Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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