Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
