You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
