Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
