I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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