It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
