ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
