I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
