I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
