i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
