Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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