If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
