Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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