So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
