Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
