my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
