I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
