if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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