Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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