A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
