we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
