we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
