when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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