So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
