please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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