You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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