I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
