Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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