Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
