Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize