I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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