This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
