And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
