Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize