i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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