okay pat passed out under dana's car
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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