All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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