I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
