Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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