theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
