Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
