I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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