I just cut my nipple shaving
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
