If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
