So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
