I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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