just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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