Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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