how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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