Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Couch. On fire.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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