I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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