He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
