Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
