i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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