not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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