I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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