I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
