You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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